


Heart's a Mess

by Rollingwithchinchillas



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-15
Updated: 2013-03-31
Packaged: 2017-12-05 10:23:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,056
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/721978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rollingwithchinchillas/pseuds/Rollingwithchinchillas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt's eyes were downcast, looking at something in his hand, his fingers playing with it. Really, Sebastian should have know what it was. It caught in the light as Kurt rolled it in his palm, like he was trying to determine its reason for existence, like it personally offended him, like it was cute, and then, finally after a tense minute, like it was exactly what it was.</p><p>"Sebastian, why do you have a wedding ring in your drawer?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Please ignore my inability to write in one tense. I think I caught most of them, though.

Kurt was about ready to ask Sebastian really where he'd really bought that chicken from last week, because the flavors has lingered in his mouth for days, and office sex with Sebastian was very tiring; tiring enough that Kurt couldn't find the strength to even get off the floor. Luckily, Sebastian was on sprayed out on the floor with him.

"Don't even start," Sebastian said, moving his body closer to Kurt's, pulling the other boy into his arms. "In my defense, I can't be held accountable since I'm under the influence of mind-altering substances."

"Excuse me, Mr. Lawyer," Kurt slapped Sebastian's chest, "you of all people should know that that's a poor excuse and won't hold up in a court of law."

Sebastian was about to make a leud comment making suggestions about what he'd like to 'hold up' when Kurt rolls over him with an accidental elbow to the stomach, and as a result he groaned instead, hand trying to dislodge the elbow, but it ended up lingering because as unrealistic as it sounded, Kurt's outfits were so elaborate that no skin ever showed, and _fuck you Sebastian Smythe, you know better than to get worked up over an elbow._

It was the russling that told Sebastian that something was wrong, though, not the barely concealed gasp or the ring tone. "C'mon Bas, which take away shop was it? I know you keep the menu's somewhere-"

He wasn't paying any attention to Kurt, all eyes focused on his phone ( _"Can I go out tonight?" "Why are you asking me? Did San say no? And will Jason be there?"_ ) and his reply is sluggish. "I, um, actually made that chicken myself."

The rustling of the drawer had stopped, and Sebastian dropped his phone on the ground beside his crashing body, eyes half closed and arms grabbing out for Kurt; the lack of contact was already beginning to be bothersome on Sebastian's behalf, especially with fresh memories of Kurt's hands wrapped around his biceps, the taste of Kurt's moans on his tongue. "What's this?"

"I mean, I know I should have told you straight up, but I didn't know if it would be okay so I wanted to wait until you tasted it, and you liked it and I was going to tell you but then sex and it slipped my mind." Sebastian buried his face in the crook of his elbow, slightly going red in being caught by Kurt. Really, he had been planning to tell Kurt, but it had taken hours and multiple chicken breasts to get right, so nerves in the end had prevented Sebastian from owning up to the chicken, especially since Kurt could actually cook. He hadn't burnt the sauce or the chicken (on his second attempt), it looked right, but that didn't mean anything really. Sebastian had hinted to the fact that he'd cooked it, but after the cheerful joking about "there's no reason to lie to me, but where did you get it from" Sebastian left the subject alone.

When he doesn't get an immediate reaction, Sebastian lifts his head to look at Kurt; possibly catch a cute look to elevate his feelings, hopefully get a promise of more sex for later. Now that it was heading towards eight o'clock, maybe they could even catch a taxi to Kurt's and cuddle on something other than the office floor, not that Sebastian would ask.

Kurt's eyes were downcast, looking at something in his hand, his fingers playing with it. Really, Sebastian should have know what it was. It caught in the light as Kurt rolled it in his palm, like he was trying to determine its reason for existence, like it personally offended him, like it was cute, and then, finally after a tense minute, like it was exactly what it was.

"Sebastian, why do you have a wedding ring in your drawer?"

Sebastian wasn't braced for the question, and Kurt could see that fact obliviously in the boy's eyes and action. Absentmindedly, Sebastian's fingers had started playing with each other, his index finger looking to flick something that wasn't there anymore. It wasn't until Sebastian glanced from his finger to the small silver thing in Kurt's hand that he realised the gesture was of nervousness and being uncomfortable.

It explained a lot, Kurt realised, like that lighter patch of skin around Sebastian's finger that Kurt had noticed after he'd taken an unexplained holiday ("You're just going to go for a week and not even tell me who with?" "Honestly, princess, it's not any of your business where I go and who with I go. You just worry about everybody's hair down there in fashion, not that you even know anything about fashion considering you can't tell the difference between female and male clothes,") and then returned a week later nervous and apologetic, with a peace offering of a decedent French scarf.

A scarf that was now hanging over the chair along with all of Kurt's other clothes.

The fact that for the first three weeks of their relationship, Sebastian had refused to go out on Friday nights, and he'd sheepishly laughed as he rubbed his neck as a response to Kurt's teasing, "What? Have you got a secret wife that I don't know about and friday night is date night?"

Sebastian was saved of having to say that he is actually _married_ when Kurt exclaims it himself. All Sebastian can do is nod, as he can feel Kurt's words cut through him. The ring drops to the floor, and Kurt has to force himself not to cry as he sees how quickly Sebastian moved to get it; the ring hadn't even stopped spinning before it was slid onto Sebastian's finger. This punches the last hope out of Kurt's chest, because he knows that Sebastian _has_ a wife, rather than _had_ a wife, and it slaps him when he realises what it means; he's a _whore_ , with a very large potential of becoming a _home wrecker_.

He, Kurt Hummel, had become a _whore_. Sleeping with a married man, and was Sebastian even gay? Was Kurt just a misplaced experiment or was Sebastian just bored with his wife? Did Sebastian even love his wife? Kurt has a strong urge to be sick, because although Kurt knew that movie portrayals of marriages were extreme, they usually involved love, and love didn't involve cheating. He doesn't notice that he's crying until he opens his mouth to talk when a droplet falls in. When he does speak, he ends with a little self-deprecating laugh. "Don't tell me you've got kids too."

"A boy and a girl," Sebastian replies, voice strained, and it's right then that Kurt realises that for some mysterious reason, this was hurting Sebastian more than it washurting he himself, and he was the one with the bad end of this deal. He's the one who had been lied to, but Sebastian's the one with layers of pain in his eyes, with his body folded in on itself breathing heavily, like his world was just ripped apart by an unknown woman.

It was really hard to ignore the urge to go and comfort Sebastian, help the older man move through the pain, but as soon as Kurt's ignored the urge, Sebastian's body has cocked up into the sarcastic man, with cold eyes and squared shoulders and a stone, blank, scary expression.

Kurt doesn't know the man now looking at him. He knows that the words to come won't be teasing or soft around the edges, and it's scary. That knowledge doesn't stop Kurt from turning in onto himself, nor does it make him think that maybe he should censor his words. "So all the times that you tried to hide your phone from me, the times you left the room for a phone call, that time when you looked scared when I walked in after work and you were rummaging through your drawer, the Friday nights you wouldn't go out on, the woman you bought to a work party- not your sister-, the holiday that you took with your wife and kids?"

The thing that gets Kurt the most though, is how nobody knew. The whole office knew about Sebastian's promiscuity (which was even worse in light on the new developments) and because of that, Kurt had been repetitively warned, but never about a wife.

And _kids_.

It did occur to Kurt, just for a second, that Sebastian would be a good father and maybe this isn't such a tragedy. It's easy to imagine Sebastian holding a baby, nurturing it, watching it grow up into a person. He'd probably be one of those overprotective fathers, threatening boyfriends and having the awkward sex talk, letting his daughter paint his nails and playing lacrosse with his son. He'd argue with them about money, cuddle with his wife at night, fight over the television remote, sleep in on Sundays. All of the things that Kurt was supposed to have with Sebastian, not a nameless, faceless woman. "What's her name?"

"Santana Smythe, and Samantha and Jackson. They're twins. Seventeen years old soon." The words don't come as harsh as Kurt had assumed they would, as he watched Sebastian's face light up with his words, like he was being awoken, and seriously, how would Kurt ever mean something to Sebastian when he already had people in his life who could produce such an affect with only a thought?

Slowly, Kurt started putting his clothes back on, and with every new layer returned something. First, his composure since he was no longer physically exposed. Secondly, his dignity; third, his defenses; and forth, his heart, which was nearly given to Sebastian. Just in time.

As Sebastian dressed himself, he keet his eyes strictly off Kurt, but he could feel Kurt withdrawing, so he maked a snap decision, holding out his phone with a number ready to dial. "She knows, and you can ask her yourself."

Kurt, honest to go, scoffed at Sebastian's words. "Did you honestly think that would make it okay? Even if she did know - and how would I know that's her? - you've been lying to me for the last few months, even from before we were seeing each other. Why, and more importantly how, should I believe you." He's almost out door, ready to disappear down the hallway and out of Sebastian's life with half a heart when he's stopped by a hand wrapping around his wrist.

_Why does his touch still feel so right?_

"Please, Kurt. What about Skype?" The same painful expression overcomes Sebastian's face then, and Kurt softens because he has to; because whether he likes it or not, right now a part of Kurt's heart does belong to Sebastian, and although he owes Sebastian nothing, for some inexplainable reason, Kurt feels as if he owes Sebastian this.

Probably because the desperate helplessness in Sebastian's tone was breaking what was left of his heart. And if there was the smallest chance that Sebastian wasn't lying, that his wife knew and freely gave her consent over their relationship, well, maybe they could work something out. So he closed the door behind him as he stepped into the room, flicking his hand to indicate that Skype should be loaded, because Kurt knew his voice would break, nor could his eyes hold a position on Sebastian.

As he made his way to stand behind the large leather chair, all Kurt could see was the first kiss; Sebastian pulling him in by the lapels (and Kurt squeaking about it) until Kurt was settled like a child, and then kissing, after putting his computer to sleep. Kurt didn't even get the choice of whether he wanted to settle on Sebastian's lap for this - not that he could, at a time like this - as Sebastian quickly rose out of the chair, stuffing his hands deep into his pockets with his eyes just barely avoiding Kurt's own.

Skype was the only thing that looked out of place on Sebastian's desktop, a big blue S being the only thing that seemed not to be a folder, sitting on what appeared to be a family photo; Sebastian, smiling, snuggled under a blanket with what seemed to be his wife, a young boy sitting on the floor in front of them and a finger over the lens. Even through the fabric it was obvious that Sebastian's arms were around her, pulling her in close, and it occurred to Kurt that he needed to be jealous here. The man he'd been seeing for weeks - nearly three months - was pressed against another person and he looked happy. Sebastian was wearing a smile that Kurt wasn't familiar with, and if the rumours were to be understood, then Kurt was the only person in the whole building to get a date out of Sebastian, no matter multiple ones. "Sebastian, I don't want to do this. I don't want to ruin your marriage."

Sebastian is saved from having to reply (You're not ruining anything Kurt, believe me) when an artificial phone fills the room along with a bouncing phone icon - Kurt makes a mental note to upgrade his Skype because this version is so much more ascetically appealing - and he automatically moves to accept the call. His hand doesn't get to the mouse in time, it seems, as the video opens up on the screen and his fingers bump against Kurt's.

They look at each other, both suddenly rigid from the contact until it's broken by Kurt moving to cover the skin, like maybe he could brand Sebastian's touch if he pushed the phantom warmth hard enough and for long enough.

"Mum! It's for you. Dad's eyefucking somebody on Skype."

Sebastian's the first to look away from Kurt's hand, sheepishly giving Kurt a smile and then turning to face the camera straight on. "Samantha, you cannot say things like that, young lady."

The young girl filling the screen rolls her eyes. "But Dad, you are eyefucking him."

"And what would you know about eyefucking, huh?" Sebastian asked, a protective tone over taking his voice. "Is it that Jason boy again? Samantha, we've had this discussion."

"Oh my god, Dad, it's not like I could actually get pregnant."

Kurt doesn't get time to question that last comment, as the same woman from the computer background pushes into the screen, speaking Spanish to the daughter. The woman - and why hadn't Kurt remembered her name - sat calmly, a smirk pulling at her lips. Her jet black hair was pulled back in a messy bun and her skin looked flawless. Her eyes looked tired, but Kurt could still see the attraction; this woman was beautiful. Kurt wondered if she was a model, and if she wasn't, would she be one for vogue.com's next shoot, but he stopped that thought dead in his tracks, because this was his _boyfriend's wife_.

"Bas, I'm surprised. I know you said he was pretty, but I didn't know you meant that pretty. Kudos. " She flicks her eyes from Sebastian to Kurt, "will you stand up and turn around so I can see if Bas was exaggerating about spray on pants and a nice ass?"


	2. Chapter 2

Her eyes felt more confronting when Sebastian wasn't standing awkwardly behind Kurt, the taller boy having been sent out by his wife,  currently sitting outside the door with tapping feet. “Look, this would go quicker if Bas wasn't here interrupting every five seconds, and I’m halfway through making spaghetti, so this has to be quick; listen up because you look like a gigolo who has just been caught by his live-in boyfriend and looking at you makes me slightly nauseated.”

Kurt takes slight offence to that, because he feels as if he’s allowed to look awkward right now, considering the last incredibly awkward three minutes in which Sebastian had scrambled to mute Skype after Santana’s comment, looking slightly embarrassed. Kurt thinks it’s cute, until he realizes just how close the action has placed them, and really, Sebastian’s lips still have an element of pure safely to them so he can’t be blamed when he moved in automatically.  Sebastian’s eyes widen like a deer stuck in the light and he doesn't respond, ending the kiss as a sweet peck on the lips, and Kurt physically shivers back into himself, drawing away. 

Their eyes locked for a minute, and all Kurt could see was Sebastian’s plea for it all to be okay.

When they had unmuted Skype, it has been to a Santana fanning herself. “Wow boy. I’m going to have to make sure Brit comes over later after that. Go-“

“Santan-“

“No, don’t interrupt me Sebastian Smythe.” They exchanged a look which Kurt couldn't begin to fathom, eyes challenging and lips perking ready for a fight, but with an undercurrent of unconditional love that shook Kurt to his core. She had ushered Sebastian out of the room with a flick of her hand, and Kurt’s surprised when Sebastian didn't even attempt to argue, only storming out indigently with a huff and muttered words. Santana had rolled her eyes at the screen, before settling back into her chair, pulling a mug into her hands that Kurt hadn't noticed her come with, but as she brings it to her lips, he can see the childish drawings all over the side along with a set of words.  _merry chrstmas moM and dAd. Love Jackson._  The rim of the cup was slightly chipped and the handle was worn, and it takes Kurt too long to realize what it is, and it had been more disorientating than finding the ring. If Kurt hadn't been sitting down, he knows he would have stumbled backwards, hoping that he could fall into nothing. This didn't happen though, and instead his hands had scrambled to his pockets, and then his body was moving out of the sight of the camera, pressed against the office door, and he could feel Sebastian on the other side. 

The phone knows whom Kurt wants to call before Kurt does.

“Hello kiddo, how are you?”

“You love me, don’t you Dad?”

Burt’s voice is startled across the line, like he wasn't expecting Kurt to ask that, but the reply comes automatically. “Of course I love you kiddo. Unconditionally.”

Kurt lets himself listen to his father’s breathing on the line for a second, trying to ignore the realization that Sebastian means so much to somebody in the same way that Burt matters to Kurt, because it’s scary and crushing and Kurt felt like he couldn't breathe, like he was walking underwater, everything was so wrong and out of place and just fucked up-

And then the moment is over, and it’s okay. He can breathe again.

“I love you too Dad. I’ll call you later?”

Burt didn't argue, and he didn't call back when Kurt hastily ends the call. He sits himself back in front of the computer, and it seemed like Santana notices something that Kurt doesn't understand, because she leaves his outburst untouched, but her eyes are still burning. “Look, this would go quicker if Bas wasn't here interrupting every five seconds, and I’m halfway through making spaghetti, so this has to be quick; listen up because you look like a gigolo who has just been caught by his live-in boyfriend and looking at you makes me slightly nauseated.

“I know we’re married and we have kids and we share health insurance, and we do love each other, but really, Porcelain, I've known about you from day one, and he’s had my permission from day one."

Her hands anchor in on the cup again, ignoring the effect the object is having on Kurt, sinking into her chair but holding onto the cup like it was a beacon. Which, after a second, Kurt supposes it is. “We met in high school, and I don’t regret it; I don’t. When we met, Bas and I were just - sexual, I suppose. It was easy; we lived in the same neighbourhood,  we didn't have to worry about feelings getting in the way and it didn't matter that we were both gay. I wasn't exactly open about my own sexuality and he didn't care where the sex came from. It was purely physical. It worked for us- until I got pregnant. Story cut short, Porcelain, we got married because we were forced to -even though it got us some pretty big inheritance - and we had two sons.”

 

\-----------

When Santana literally ambushes Kurt at his favourite cafe the next day, he knew he had no right to be surprised, considering she had threatened it (“We’re going to need to have a chat, one lady to another, face to face.”) She made an entrance walking in, peering over her sunglasses and locking eyes with every patron in the room with an air of — before landing on Kurt, and wow, Kurt knew she was beautiful, but this really was on another level. If he hadn't known that she was nearing mid-thirties with two children, he really wouldn't have come to that assessment; he’d probably have scoffed if somebody told him that. 

Really, Kurt was too shocked - and still processing his conversation from the previous night - to do anything except scramble to pull out a chair for her.

“What’s your problem Hummel? I explained the situation last night, yet I still had to go and pick up a drunk, sad ass at two am this morning because his boyfriend dumped him? He’s relatively single, gay, and although you dress like a woman, Bas assures me that you've got quite the package going on under there; so I really don’t see the problem.”

Kurt doesn't even know where to begin, because although their conversation via Skype last night has illustrated to Kurt that he is not in fact a home wrecker or a whore (even if he still feels like one), that Sebastian’s wife does in fact know of him and that he is in fact Sebastian’s boyfriend, it is still a confusing position to be stuck in because if they just avoided the issue of trust and truth, they were left with the fact that there would be no future for _SebastianandKurt_  because Sebastian was already  _SebastianandSantana_  and how were they ever going to be able to have a prosperous relationship with a wife and kids in the back seat?

How was Kurt ever supposed to bring Sebastian home to meet his father and Carole? And what if their relationship got far enough that Kurt wanted marriage? The concept of Sebastian having kids wasn't that hard to work with; he’d be a step father or uncle or something, but that would only work if he was estranged with his wife - or she was dead - and especially not while they were still happily married. Kurt had seen Finn with his wife Kate and her son from a previous marriage, and they seemed to work; could Kurt have that?

It seems that Kurt’s words weren't contained just in his head, because Santana reached over, startling Kurt as she took his hand, physically anchoring her eyes to Kurt’s, and he can’t just look away. Her expression is subdued, and suddenly it’s easy to see how the years have taken their toll on her. The hard lines soften as her body heaves with a sigh, moulding to the cushioned chair, as if someone has physically cut a string inside of her; a puppet being laid down to rest. It must be exhausting, Kurt realizes,  to spend eighteen years of your life raising two children with a man that you loved, but were not in love with, during the prime of life. The accusing stares from coming out and then marrying a male. Explaining to the teacher that “no, that’s actually how our home-life works” and being told  _that it’s wrong and disgusting and needs to be fixed._ Of making love to a best friend, but not having a lover. 

“Yes Kurt, you can have that,” she says, her voice shattering on the last word, making him realize that he’d spoken his thoughts and then the last piece of the facade breaks, and she begins to talk with no prompt.

"We had the biggest fight, when they were two. We were both so stressed from babies and work, and we didn't talk for days, until on the fourth one, he told me that he'd quit his job and file for the inheritance. He told me he'd look after the kids full time, so that I could keep working, and if you ever say anything I'll hurt you, but he loved it. He'd tell me ' _and then Jackson spill some milk and when I went to get a cloth, I came back to find Jackson naked and Michael playing with the milk everywhere_ ’  when I'd get home and he looked so happy like he was meant to be a father. From then forth, I couldn't regret that we'd accidentally gotten pregnant, and I couldn't deny that I loved him. Not the way you will, but the way only I ever can.

"Even as happy as he was, I could see there was something missing. After a few more fights, I realized that it was because he wasn't getting laid- actually, no, it was because he wasn't getting contact. You know Sebastian, he thrives on human contact. So I took of his wedding ring and sent him off to a gay bar, but he came home at 10:30pm, and the first thing he did was put his ring back on.

"Since the birth, we'd avoided all physical contact. We shared a house and a bed, but he never touched me, and I never touched him. But that night, as his ring was back on his finger, he checked on the kids and then dragged me to bed to cuddle. To cuddle of all things. Oh my god, it was so sappy. And then at midnight,  he kissed me, and I kissed him back. I let him take every piece of clothing off my back. When we had sex that night, we didn't fuck. We made our own brand of love and to this day, I don't think anybody has ever touched me the way he did, and I don't think anybody ever will. 

"And it was like the start, when we were just fucking each other so we didn't have to worry about feelings, except now there were feelings. 

"I'm in love with my girlfriend, but I will never love her the same way I love Sebastian. We may fuck, we may be married, we may love each other, but it's not a normal love. I won't love him the same way you'll love him because I will never feel that way about Sebastian. "

Really, Kurt finding himself crying was an inevitability, because how was he ever going to measure up against Sebastian's relationship with Santana? Where would he even start? It would never be level for Kurt, as Sebastian will always love Santana. 

"I think you've misunderstood me Kurt. My heart will never belong to Sebastian, because he is a _part_ of my heart. No, shit, that didn't come out right. 

"My heart belongs to Brit now; and it's hard to watch him as he comes home needing for somebody to touch him and then restrains himself. It's hurting him, but he respects my relationship and is trying to hard not impeach on it. He moved into the spare room just so Britt could stay the night when she wanted to. He realized that that was no longer his job.

"But since he met you and came home one day asking just how to ask someone out for dinner. We have an open policy, so usually he comes home and tells me that 'there was a new assistant in the photography department who was very flexible' and we had a running tally, because I could swear that he'd slept with the whole office, but then he came home and asked me about a date. And the chicken he turned up with a few weeks? He had Samantha and her best friend come around and teach him how to make it, over a whole weekend. I honestly couldn't tell if it was sweet or pathetic.”

She stops then, an end to her monologue, and for every piece of reassuring information she had just given him, Kurt’s feeling a lot more unsettled than he did before. He understands on a level that it’s not a sexual love, but his mind is still equating sex with a level of sexual love, and it’s jarring. Kurt had never been one for just sex; couldn't handle the idea of sex meaning nothing, of having sex with somebody he wasn't attracted to on some level. But that, he supposed, didn't mean that it couldn't be like that for someone else.

“If you hadn't ” she starts again and Kurt can feel that he’s in trouble, “ran off last night we wouldn't be having this conversation right now. Sebastian Smythe is in love with you, although it will take him a while to format that into words. But you know he does, because you've felt the way he’s touched you, and I know that because I have never seen him as broken as he was last night before. I watched him and comforted him when his mother died, when he got the call about his sister being in a car accident.”

Her whole demeanour is softer again, her eyes flashing with pain like that memory hurt and Kurt makes a mental note to ask one day because something just feels off, but he’s already feeling vulnerable around her and he doesn't want to add more fire to the flame. 

“This is not a game Kurt,” she says, and Kurt knows it’s not a game. It was never a game for him, so that’s why it has to stop, and that’s why Kurt walks away. He didn't just leave his coffee there for Santana, but he left his feelings for Sebastian there, like checked luggage at an airport; no longer his responsibility. He stopped himself from crying, ignored the buzzing in his pocket, and went straight for the ice-cream section at the supermarket, ready to eat his post-break up feelings. 


End file.
